Why Parents Don't Love Unconditionally

Unconditional love refers to an unwavering love and acceptance that’s not contingent upon conditions or expectations. Its love given freely regardless of actions, flaws, or circumstances.

Do you love your child unconditionally then,

if you criticize them regularly?

How often do you say:

 “You’re lazy.”

“You never listen!”

“You’re so irresponsible.”

“Why can’t you be more like _______?”

“You’re too sensitive.”

I’m guilty of saying at least three of the above sentences. Every parent is guilty of critical speech towards their kids, but that doesn’t make it OK. In fact, our critical words will not only become their inner voice, but they’ll also damage our child’s self-worth.             

 How could you ever believe you’re good enough if you’re repeatedly told you’re not, in five different ways?

The gut-wrenching truth is that we love our children on the conditions that we value. If you value image, you’ll want your child to always look and behave properly, and when they don’t, unconditional love becomes conditional. What if we let go of the child, we wish we had and accept the child we brought into this world? How about complimenting instead of criticizing? How about retracting before reacting? The pause in between a comment and a potential blow up is a game changer. How about we recognize that our children are our greatest teachers, and what we dislike about them says more about what we dislike about ourselves. How about we practice being present instead of being distracted? How about we get curious in conversation rather than critical? How about we accept their shortcomings instead of shaming them? How about we glorify instead of vilify? How about we look at all the shit we tell them and start saying it back to ourselves to see how that lands?

If you see yourself in this faultfinding paradigm, rather than go to shame, shift to conscious recalibrating. You can start by apologizing for being critical. Saying sorry shows accountability, emotional maturity, imperfection, and creates connection.

When your child challenges your commands, instead of calling them disrespectful, you could listen to their rebuttal. Encourage their confidence to rise instead of avoiding conflict. You do not want to raise an adult who simply ignores their own feelings to accommodate others. You do not want to raise an adult too terrified to speak their mind because they were always told to keep quiet. You do not want to raise an adult who believes the only way they’re worth loving is if they’re perfect. You do not want to raise a liar because the truth was too much for you to hear. Most importantly, you do not want to raise an adult who projects their lack of self-love onto others.

 It's easy to damage our children with our unhealed wounds. Most of the population isn’t even conscious of those wounds. So now you have over 7 billion people projecting their shit onto one another. Good luck achieving world peace! Peace starts within you. If you’re not a peace within yourself, your child will inherit your addictive pattern of self-sabotage. How about you commit to letting go of the ideal child you created in your mind and accept the one you created with your words, actions, and projections. Start there. I genuinely believe that with self-awareness, you can improve your behaviour for the greater good of all mankind. Start with yourself. Love yourself and accept all your shit first. Only then will you have the capacity to do the same with your children.

 

The Pursuit of Admiration

Do you see me? Do you really see Me? Not the balcony girl, or the performer. Can you see the true Me that’s sometimes brave, sometimes scared, sometimes calm, sometimes not? There are hidden parts of myself that I don't share publicly out of shame. For years, I thought I wanted to inspire others, meanwhile the shallow truth is that I'd rather be admired.  

Despite projecting all this confidence, I have a fear of not being good enough. I attach my worth to achievement, chasing validation outside of myself, and working tirelessly for admiration. In my mid-twenties I was a proud workaholic, without any boundaries, and a craving to please my boss, by putting work first. It borderline destroyed my relationships. I missed my good friend's wedding for a business trip and brought my laptop on my honeymoon! I was nuts.

 I have been chasing my worth as early as 10 years old. I only gave 200% if I liked my teacher, and she liked me. Every time I failed or was rejected, I went into shame. My pursuit to feel good enough developed into an addiction to work.  I believed you were better if you worked long hours, skipped lunch, and worked weekends. The truth is, I can easily spiral down that rabbit hole even after all these years of working on myself. 

The chase for external validation is real! Our western world thrives on performance, achievement, efficiency. We want more, faster, better. Our society puts worth on overachievers, multitaskers, winners. There’s the stay-at-home soccer Mom in the bleachers, vs the CFO Mom on a Teams call in the parking lot. We're impressed with hustle culture, meanwhile our kids just want to see us hustle our way to the season opener. 

We're all chasing something we're missing. My chase is external admiration. It reads so shallow, I actually feel shame writing it; but this blog is my unfiltered truth, so I have to keep it real. What's your chase? Is it acceptance for who you are? Is it to be heard and appreciated? Is it to be seen as perfect all the time; seen as the best; seen as strong, or seen as special? Maybe you're the people pleaser chasing to feel loved. Maybe hearing you are not good enough keeps you chasing more accolades for approval. Whatever your chase, I see you because I am just like you. Different chase, same void.

We all have a disowned part of ourselves that hurts, so we do everything possible to avoid feeling it. We'll escape in work, in the refrigerator, the wine bottle, the online shopping cart, the casino, and so on. We're all flawed and it's a beautiful thing. The human experience is meant to have unresolved problems. Everyone has a painful story. The purpose of life is to move forward with our pain, grow from our wounds, and accept the good, the not so good, and the messy middle that exists in all of us. I hope you recognize your chase and love the shit out of yourself, so it doesn't define your worth.