To some degree you're full of yourself*, full of excuses**, and full of shit***! What you're not full of is fulfillment from this brutal, yet beautiful life. And I know that to be a fact because you spend an average of 5 hours a day swiping through other people's lives, while you could be celebrating your own.
I have taken countless courses,
gone on retreats, read the self-help books, sat in therapy, and there was one
single red thread weaved throughout all of them -
Loving Yourself is the most
revolutionary thing you can do to live a fulfilled life.
How do you
go about Loving Yourself?
Your History. A Spiritual Intervention.
Start where you started: your
childhood. Your past may be painful, but that is part of the reason loving
yourself is a struggle. Go back to the beginning; connect with your inner
child. Write any memorable experiences that impacted you. Include even the ones
that seem insignificant, like the time you let go of your red balloon and
sobbed inconsolably. Reflect on the relationship you had with your mom and dad.
Your parents were your Gods at the very start of your existence. For some, they
still are. Describe that relationship through the eyes of your inner child. If
you have siblings, dive into any childhood memories you shared with them, good and
bad. Your family is your first clan, your foundation, your roots.
I once met a man who was
abandoned by a parent, and still wonders why his father never showed up at his
Bar Mitzvah, as promised. I know a woman who lived in a violent household,
hiding under tables, who freezes whenever a man raises his voice. I have a
friend who was raised in a war-torn country, where bomb sirens were routine.
Her body convulses when she hears fireworks. These traumas live in our cellular
memory. The stories are different, but the pain is the same for everyone. Your
history is valuable to your healing journey.
Your Messy Middle. "Strange how we decorate
pain" Margaret Atwood
Most of us believe we love
ourselves. We are generally satisfied with our lives, so why wouldn't we be
happy? The truth is that most do not love themselves and that's why we're
unhappy. As a result, we have become a society that's excellent at decorating
our pain with filters and vacation photos. In the second phase of learning to
love yourself, you can list all your fears, shortcomings, heartbreaks (go
beyond romantic ones), and challenges throughout your life. This is valuable
content. However you were treated during these particular situations, and
whatever you were told, is most likely what you believe about yourself today.
Your inner voice is a remix of all the critical feedback you received
throughout your life. How you were treated physically and emotionally is
conclusive to your behavioral patterns today when you're triggered. Identifying
your wounds is essential to cultivating self-awareness. Start within and keep
watering the seed.
Get brutally honest about your
story. This is where you unpack your pain, recognize your addictive patterns,
and speak your truth. If you've buried your old wounds as a coping mechanism,
try to go inside your body. Notice where you feel tension, pain, or discomfort
in your physical body when you're doing this work. You may be so disconnected
from your insides that you cannot identify where pain hides in your body. Place
one hand on your heart, one hand on your belly to tap into any physical
sensations. This requires practice and patience. Get curious. You need to feel
it, to heal it.
Your Shadow. "I am out with lanterns looking for
myself" Emily Dickinson
Self-love cannot exist without
self-acceptance. You cannot say you love yourself fully and completely while
you reject parts, repeat critical speech and addictive behavior, or set flimsy
boundaries. Running from your pain is a form of self-sabotage. Your growth will
be proportionate to the amount of truth you are willing to accept about
yourself without numbing or escaping from it. That is true love. Sitting with
the dull parts of yourself and gently dusting them off so they can shine, is
the only way we can see your light.
Your Revelation. "Knowing others is knowledge.
Knowing yourself is wisdom" Unknown
Personal growth is not linear.
The above suggestions require curiosity and commitment to the process. Remember
why you started. If you have read this far, this is your sign to open up
Pandora's box. As hard as it is to do this work, ask yourself, "Is it
harder to be in suffering, or is it harder to heal so you can be free from
suffering?" Ultimately the goal is to reach a state of self-awareness
where you can witness your wound when triggered, and still love yourself.
Spiritual growth doesn't happen
when you're meditating or doing yoga. It happens in knee deep conflict when
you're triggered, and instead of responding the way you normally would, you
pause and choose differently.
How will I
know if I genuinely love and accept myself?
When you can see another's
behavior with compassion, you have completed the assignment.
Keep searching for everything
beautiful in this world until you find yourself.
*”I” is the most frequently used word in English. We love to
talk about ourselves 😉
**Aka Avoidance
***Aka Suffering
