The Pursuit of Admiration

Do you see me? Do you really see Me? Not the balcony girl, or the performer. Can you see the true Me that’s sometimes brave, sometimes scared, sometimes calm, sometimes not? There are hidden parts of myself that I don't share publicly out of shame. For years, I thought I wanted to inspire others, meanwhile the shallow truth is that I'd rather be admired.  

Despite projecting all this confidence, I have a fear of not being good enough. I attach my worth to achievement, chasing validation outside of myself, and working tirelessly for admiration. In my mid-twenties I was a proud workaholic, without any boundaries, and a craving to please my boss, by putting work first. It borderline destroyed my relationships. I missed my good friend's wedding for a business trip and brought my laptop on my honeymoon! I was nuts.

 I have been chasing my worth as early as 10 years old. I only gave 200% if I liked my teacher, and she liked me. Every time I failed or was rejected, I went into shame. My pursuit to feel good enough developed into an addiction to work.  I believed you were better if you worked long hours, skipped lunch, and worked weekends. The truth is, I can easily spiral down that rabbit hole even after all these years of working on myself. 

The chase for external validation is real! Our western world thrives on performance, achievement, efficiency. We want more, faster, better. Our society puts worth on overachievers, multitaskers, winners. There’s the stay-at-home soccer Mom in the bleachers, vs the CFO Mom on a Teams call in the parking lot. We're impressed with hustle culture, meanwhile our kids just want to see us hustle our way to the season opener. 

We're all chasing something we're missing. My chase is external admiration. It reads so shallow, I actually feel shame writing it; but this blog is my unfiltered truth, so I have to keep it real. What's your chase? Is it acceptance for who you are? Is it to be heard and appreciated? Is it to be seen as perfect all the time; seen as the best; seen as strong, or seen as special? Maybe you're the people pleaser chasing to feel loved. Maybe hearing you are not good enough keeps you chasing more accolades for approval. Whatever your chase, I see you because I am just like you. Different chase, same void.

We all have a disowned part of ourselves that hurts, so we do everything possible to avoid feeling it. We'll escape in work, in the refrigerator, the wine bottle, the online shopping cart, the casino, and so on. We're all flawed and it's a beautiful thing. The human experience is meant to have unresolved problems. Everyone has a painful story. The purpose of life is to move forward with our pain, grow from our wounds, and accept the good, the not so good, and the messy middle that exists in all of us. I hope you recognize your chase and love the shit out of yourself, so it doesn't define your worth.